


Vanilla Or Chocolate?

by Gothic_Lolita



Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Is A Great Matchmaker, Bucky Is So Done With Everyone's Shit, Crack, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, Not Stony Friendly, So is Natasha, Toxic Relationship Stony, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-25 23:18:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12046368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gothic_Lolita/pseuds/Gothic_Lolita
Summary: Bucky knows that Steve and Tony are in a bad relationship. He also knows that Sam and T'Challa are the solution to this. Now all he has to do is make them see it.





	Vanilla Or Chocolate?

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to just be an angsty Stony with a playlist and everything, then my brain got hyperactive while I was typing and shit happened man, shit happened. This is why we don't let authors run free in their natural habitat, they go strange places.
> 
> Also, I would like to put this as a disclaimer, several times in this fic I refer to African American characters as 'chocolate', and Caucasian characters as 'vanilla', which some have found as off putting/offensive. I mean this as only a light hearted joke, it's a common way of phrasing skin color where I'm personally from, and when writing, I often forget to be mindful of my personal lingo that others don't understand what I exactly mean. I did not mean this as a racist/bigoted joke, and I apologize if I come across that way. When it comes to wording skin color, it's a tough game of walking on thin ice about what cultures find what offensive. I know African Americans who don't like being called 'black'. Either way, it's a losing game to play, but I am truly sorry if anyone finds it offensive. Love you all.

"You know I so badly want to hate him, Stevie." Bucky sighed, studying his best friend.

Steve arched an eyebrow, looking up from his painting. "Who, Buck?"

"Stark." Bucky admitted. Before Steve could ask, Bucky explained. "You and him, you're in a bad relationship. You fight and scream, you hit and break things, then two seconds later you're sobbing in each other's arms. He plays love songs when he thinks about you, and your sketch book is filled with you. You bitch about his flaws, but physically launch yourself at anyone who says a word against him. I don't know if you love or hate each other more, or if either of you even know the damned difference." Bucky sighed. "I wanna hate Stark so badly for getting you into that mess, but you're just as guilty Stevie, so how can I?"

Steve looked away guiltily. "I know, you're right, but what am I supposed to do? I love Tony, I love every awful thing about him. I can't ever stop thinking about him, even if I'm imagining ways to tear him apart. He's... he's just so agonizingly beautiful." Steve said, his voice strained.

Bucky only frowned, thinking. He was going to have to fix the damned punk's life, as usual.

 

* * *

 

"Wilson?" Bucky called out to Sam, who sat on the communal couch watching Dog Cops.

Sam paused the show and grinned at Bucky. "Hey Binky Bonks, what's up?"

Bucky rolled his eyes at the stupid nickname, and sat down at an adjacent recliner. "I need to talk to you about something." He said seriously.

Sam, sensing the seriousness in Bucky's tone, lost his playful grin and instead studied Bucky carefully. "About what?"

"How do you feel about Steve?" Bucky asked, being blunt.

Sam blinked. "Steve? He's a great teammate, and an amazing friend. For all his teasings and jokes, he's a great friend, the best anyone could ask for." He said, though his tone sounded forced.

Bucky shook his head. "No, Wilson. How do you really feel about Steve?" He asked, more forcefully.

"I..." Sam sighed, and seemed to break. "Look, yes, I might have a crush on him, but who doesn't have a crush on Captain America? It's not like it'll amount to anything, he has Tony." Sam shrugged, but sounded dejected.

"Do you love him?" Bucky asked, arching an eyebrow. Sam was silent, which was the only answer Bucky needed. He nodded to himself. "And if Steve weren't in a relationship with Stark, would you romantically pursue him?" He asked methodically.

"If I'm being honest with myself, yes." Sam admitted, cheeks pink. "Why? Am I being obvious?" He said, now looking alarmed.

"No reason. Just curious." Bucky shrugged, and left the room. He could hear Sam swearing about 'stupid ass cryptic as fuck assassins, why do they always do this to me'. He smiled to himself.

 

* * *

 

Bucky knocked on T'Challa's door, and stepped in the room when it opened automatically for him.

"Sergeant Barnes, how may I help you?" T'Challa asked politely, looking up from a tablet. 

Bucky sat down in an open desk chair, making T'Challa frown slightly. "I need to ask you about something." Bucky said flatly.

T'Challa tilted his head to the side slightly. "Of course, what is it?"

"How do you feel about Stark?" Bucky asked.

T'Challa looked taken aback. "Doctor Stark?" He asked, startled. Bucky noticed that T'Challa was the only one who referred to Tony by his technical PhD title, and even Tony seemed startled by it. "I respect him very much. He is a man with good morals, and a fire inside him. He is remarkably intellectual, and his technology rivals that of Wakanda. I admire him very much." T'Challa said, smiling slightly to himself. Bucky had to hold back a smirk.

"Mhm. Would you say that you admire him romantically?" Bucky said easily, arching an eyebrow innocently. 

T'Challa looked shocked. "Excuse me?"

"I'm not going to repeat myself." Bucky said in a flat voice.

The king was silent, then sighed. "If Doctor Stark were romantically available, I would not be opposed to becoming romantically involved with him, if that's what you're asking. But he is not, so my feelings are irrelevant."

Bucky nodded. "Thanks, that's all I wanted to know." He said, and left a befuddled Wakandan in his wake.

 

* * *

 

Steve was next. Bucky stormed into his room, finding his best friend drawing.

"Stevie, I gotta ask you somethin'." Bucky said seriously. Steve was one of the few people Bucky let hear his natural accent.

"Of course, Buck. What is it?" Steve said, concerned.

Bucky sat down on Steve's bed. "If you weren't with Stark, hypothetically, would you want to be with anyone else?" He asked carefully.

Steve blinked. "Bucky, are you asking me what I think you're asking me?" He said slowly.

"Fucking hell, Stevie no! Not  _ **me**_!" Bucky said, slightly disgusted.

Steve looked relieved. "Okay, good. To answer your question then, I guess there is someone, but I have Tony, and that's that." He said firmly.

Bucky held back a grin. "Who?"

"Buck, that's private." Steve's cheeks were pink.

Bucky smirked and stood up. "It's fine, Stevie. I always knew you liked chocolate more than vanilla anyways." He shrugged, and left a sputtering Steve.

 

* * *

 

Tony was last on the list. Bucky found him, as usual, in his shop.

"Hey there, Terminator. If you need work on the arm, just take a seat and tell me what's acting funny." He said, glancing up from holographic diagrams.

Bucky shook his head. "No, it's not that. I actually had something I wanted to ask you."

Tony arched an eyebrow. "Well, shoot. Floor's yours." He said, sounding curious.

"If you and Steve weren't an item, would you want to be with someone else specifically?" Bucky asked, folding his arms.

"Did Steve put you up to this?" Tony asked, looking suspicious.

Bucky shook his head. "No, just curious."

Tony pursued his lips. "Hm. Well, my answer doesn't matter, I'm dating Steve. That's that."

"Indulge me, Stark." Bucky's voice was carefully nonchalant.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Okay fine. If I weren't with Steve, there is a certain someone I could see myself with. But I'm with Steve, so _ **that's that**_." He forced out, sounding wistful.

Bucky nodded slowly. "Who?"

"Jesus fucking Christ, what is this, twenty questions?" Tony demanded. Bucky glowered at him. "Alright, fine! Quit giving me the murder death death glare! Look, I won't name names, but maybe I think Africans with rich accents and warm smiles are hot! Don't judge me!" Tony snapped, holding up his hands.

Bucky didn't say anything, just nodded again, and slowly left the room.

 

* * *

 

"Look, if this is because you think I did something, I swear I didn't do it." Tony started.

Bucky rolled his eyes. He had Steve, Tony, T'Challa, and Sam all in the living room for a 'meeting'. They all looked nervous and confused, glancing at each other and back at Bucky.

"Shut up, Stark and let me talk." Bucky snapped, and the billionaire snapped his mouth shut. "You four are all idiots with your heads up your asses, and I'm going to fix it if it's the last thing I do." Bucky said firmly.

"Bucky, what on earth are you-" Steve started.

"Steve, the previous order to Stark goes to you as well." Bucky said flatly, and Steve sighed but went silent. "Good. Look, no one's stupid. Steve, you and Stark are in a bad relationship. I don't care if you love each other, because you hate each other just as much. And I don't care who calls me old fashioned, that ain't right." Bucky said firmly. Steve and Tony warily glanced at each other. "You two both have someone else interested in you who could give you a much healthier and happier relationship, and if you'd open your eyes, you'd see them." Bucky gestured to T'Challa and Sam.

"Are you implying that Tony and Steve should break up so Steve and I can date and Tony and T'Challa can date?" Sam asked incredulously.

"Yes." Bucky said, folding his arms.

"Buck, that's not how things work." Steve said, his voice strained.

"Give me one damned reason why it can't work." Bucky asked, and watched Steve sputter for an answer.

"Okay, I'll be the first to jump on the crazy train. I think it's not a bad idea." Tony admitted, shrugging.

"You also didn't think it was a bad idea to give your address publically and tell a terrorist to come and find you." Steve said flatly.

"That was  _ **one time**_ , and in the end, it worked out!" Tony defended.

"You got your house blown up! And almost got Pepper killed!" Steve almost shouted.

" _ **Enough**_!" Bucky shouted. "This is my damned point! You're not a good couple if you can't sit in the same room for five minutes without arguing!"

"He has a point." Sam said quietly.

Steve looked angry, but his shoulders slumped in defeat. "Maybe you're right. But could this really work?"

"I asked all of you. T'Challa likes Stark, Stark likes T'Challa. Wilson likes Steve, Steve likes Wilson. It's so fucking obvious and you're all idiots." Bucky said flatly.

There was a beat of silence, and the four looked between each other. "All in favor...?" Sam asked tentatively, raising his hand slowly. Three hands joined his in the air.

Bucky huffed. "Great. Now get on with it." He said, and started to leave.

"You know, I always did like chocolate more than vanilla." Tony said, a grin in his voice.

"I think that's the first thing we've agreed on, Tony." Steve replied.

Bucky smiled to himself. They may be idiots, but they were endearing idiots.

 

* * *

 

A few weeks later, Sam and Steve as well as T'Challa and Tony were going steady, and everyone in the tower seemed relieved and happy for them. Tony and Steve both looked immensely more happy, and didn't argue every other minute.

Bucky was quietly reading a book in the communal living room, when he head Natasha's footsteps. He looked up and frowned at seeing her carrying a fighting Clint in.

"Damnit, Nat, whatever you're planning I don't want to be a part of it! Put me  _ **down**_! I don't wish to be a part of another one of your schemes! Especially when I'm not in on the scheming!" Clint wailed.

"Clint, shut up, you'll thank me." She said offhandedly, then faced Bucky. "As a thank you for putting an end to Tony and Steve's mess of a relationship and lowering the amount of fights in the tower by at least 50%, I'm repaying you by getting your head our of your ass and playing a bit of my own matchmaker." Natasha promptly dropped Clint into Bucky's lap. "You two can quit swooning over each other and giving each other romance movie worthy sideways glances." She turned on her heel. "Use protection." With that, she left the room.

Clint looked mortified. "I can't believe she would do that to me." He whispered, sounding horrified.

Bucky smirked slightly. "I can. I also like her style." He said, his voice leering.

Clint blinked, staring wide eyed at Bucky. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Bucky shrugged, smirking deviously. "Steve may prefer chocolate, but I like vanilla."

**Author's Note:**

> I badly wanted to do Bucky/Rhodey at the end to keep up the chocolate joke, but that ship isn't popular enough for people to like it, and no one ever appreciates Rhodey's presence, like, ever. He is the most underrated Avenger in my opinion. Ugh, sad face.


End file.
